Not So Random

1. Not much going on right now, just waiting for enough time to pass so I can get my paycheck and pay some bills.

2. I was thinking of maybe getting a car. I have the opportunity to get one cheaply, but insurance is another monthly bill that I can afford, but don't want to pay. I have plans for my money and paying for car insurance will delay them. I've also been thinking of what I would use a car for. I live six blocks from my job, I live downtown so I don't need to go far for fun, I can walk/take the bus anywhere I need to go very cheaply thanks to my job, and, finally, I like to walk. The only thing I'd want a car for is to pick up girls. So I'm thinking not.

3. Little old lady's keep stopping me in the street and telling me how attractive I am. I wonder why women my age never say such. Is it that they are afraid I'll think they're coming on to me? Now I just need to find a rich old widow, with severe health problems. . .

4. No real worries right now, except the normal girl shit. I'm kind of interested in this particular girl, I have been for awhile, but we're friends and we work together and the last time I tried something like that with a co-worker/friend, things went south.

5. www.humanwrites.blogspot.com : An extremely funny Blog. Recommended by me so it must be good.

I am so Tired

I've slept six hours total, during the past three days. I go to bed at 8 p.m., knowing I have to get up at four a.m., but all I do is lay there. My mind just races. I think about everything, nothign really. My hands are like, starting to shake from lack of sleep. The worst thing is I'll be exhausted all day, and the moment I hit the bed it's like I get a sudden burst of energy.
I keep myself going somehow.

I Love My Job!

I love having something to do all day. I work at a college. It kicks ass. My favorite thing is constantly teasing college girls all day. Hell fucking yeah.

I Got A Job!!!

I was rehired at my old job!!!! I still don't have any money yet, but in two weeks I'll get my first paycheck!!!! In the meantime. . . Can I borrow five bucks?

Yes!!!

Cool, it worked! She forgave me!
I love blowing stuff waaaaay out of proportion, it can be fun.

Forgive Me!!!!!!

I wrote a juvenileish (not a word, but who fucking cares) e-mail to a bud and now I think she's upset with me. I might have hurt her feelings. Now I feel all bad and shit.
I hope I didn't do anything unforgivable.

Come on, I can't help it that I have this crazy desperate need for attention and I like to here peoples voices over seeing words on paper. I'm sorry. You want e-mails, I'll send 'em. I'll change!! You'll see!!!
Forgive me please!!! I can't take it anymore, the suspense. Will she forgive me, will she not, will she forg. . .

HEY!! Wait a minute! Aren't you the one that told me to be myself! Didn't you leave this comment:

i echo jenn, totally. you'll make genuine friends when you are yourself, and not someone you think they want you to be. hah, did that make any sense?? haha.and it's true, whatever you want will always come when you least expect it.

And now You're Punishing me for being myself!!!!

Oh well, Forgive me anyway! You have to cause I'm hot! (at least, that's how I think it works)


(p.s. even though this blog sounds all silly and shit, I'm serious, if I've upset you, I'm sorry)

Thanks for the niceness

I came today to delete my uggh blog, hoping that no one had read it. But after seeing ya'll being so supportive, I guess I'll just leave it. Anyway, thanks for hearing me out, it meant something to me.
In other news, I have that interview tomorrow. Here's hoping!

uggh

I just worry. I feel so, uggh. That's how I feel: uggh. I don't really know what to do anymore, what I should do, what I'm supposed to do.???? I want something that I'm just not sure how to get. My relationships with women have just never worked out. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want out of a relationship; trust? comfort? support? lots of hot sex? I don't really know. I think it may be that I just want an end to the loneliness. I don't think anyone I know really knows just how desperately lonely I am. I'm always being sort of a show off and I'm always acting as if I have complete confidence in myself, but my hands are shaking right now, and I'm not sure why. There's so much in the air right now, maybe I'll get my job back, maybe I'll be able to pay my rent next month, maybe not. This wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to share it with, to talk to, but I've no one. And any time I tell someone about all this I tend to lose them. When I'm acting, people love me, when I'm me, I lose them. That's what hurts most of all, the thought that I may have to go through my life acting to keep people around. Otherwise, I may die lonely. That's a big fear for me. I've probaly lost people just by writing this. I feel I can't be honest, it's like I have to lie to survive. I hope you didn't read this.

Randomness

1. I love me
2. I'm like, totally bored, like, totally
3. I like to speak with fake accents.
4. Howdy ma'am
5. Listening to Rob Zombie "Superbeast"
6. Fulla energy
7. Can I borrow 50 bucks?
8. I am NOT conceited, I'm just better than everyone.
9. Really, I'm not conceited, that's just my kind of sarcasm.
10. I wish I could be what people seem to want me to be.
11. Okay, I'm bored now, BYE. :)

Before Judging Someone, Walk a Mile in His Shoes; That Way if He Gets Angry, He'll be a Mile Away and Barefoot

Well, I have an interview for that job on wednesday. I'll let ya'll know what happens. I'm freaking bugging though. Just so worried about what will happen. I can only hope. What sucks most is that I can't do anything, but wait.

I don't have much else to say, today I got up at 2:00 p.m. I've got nothing to do. Nothings happening.

(whistles to self) "people are strange, when your a stranger"
(looks around) "ooooh, pretty butterfly"
(notices you) "What the hell are YOU still doing here? I thought you left already!"
(falls asleep) (dreams he's lonely and bitter, wakes up only to realize the dream is reality)

You're Just Jealous Cause the Voices are Talking to Me

So I've got a little anxiety about whether or not I will be re-hired at my old job. Not that I have any reason to think I won't be, but I worry about everything. What it comes down to is that I have to re-apply for my old job because it was promoted to a full-time position. Now, my supervisor's supervisor wanted to post the position about a month ago, but my supervisor convinced her to wait till January in order to give me time to get my driver's license so I could apply for the job. It is those two who will hire the position so I think I'm likely a shoe-in, but I haven't been given any guarantees.

So the job is posted now, I've turned in my application and updated resume. All I can do now is wait. That's where I begin to go a little nuts. I'm a very pro-active sort of person, I like to be doing something to further my goals. But there's currently nothing for me to do, except wait. That kills me. It's not that I'm impatient, I don't mind waiting, but with nothing to occupy my time I just worry.

I just hope I get this job. If I don't I'm screwed. I don't have enough money to pay next months rent. If I do get this job I will be doing great. I'll have a stable source of income and I may be able to go to college again soon. Pray for me if you pray, wish me luck if you don't.

Your Horoscopes

As I am so incredibly hot it must be super natural, I figured I might be able to tell the future too. I gave it a try and found I have psychic powers. I can bend people to my will through suggestion (Tonya, if you are reading this you are growing very sleepy), I can see the future (You are begining to see something, as if in a fog), I can read minds (It is Keegan and damn, is he hot), but instead of using my powers for good (You find yourself infatuated with him, you can think of nothing, but Keegan, Keegan, Keegan), I've decided to make a completely pointless, but honest horoscope site (You awake remembering nothing and not noticing these incredibly obvious sentences 'hidden' in the brackets). Click the link and check it out!

Your Horoscopes

What the Fuck?

Okay, here I am at the libraryworking on my stupid webpage, and some dude's looking at porn across the way from me. Now, I got no problem with porn, porn's cool, but we're in the fucking library and the shit's distracting me. I'm trying to work on my page and every time I look up its: TITS, ASS, LESBIANS!
I'm trying to concentrate here!
I momentarily considered standing up and loudly asking him to look at porn somewhere else cause it was distracting me. It would be fun, I like fucking with people, but I haven't because I don't want to act like some self-rightous ass.
So if my web page is even more stupid than normal, hey, I was distracted by naked women!

BOLDLY GOING NOWHERE!

Okay. I really need something to do. I am bored. I will know apologize to all my friends for what I am about to do. I am apologizing now in advance, so you know I really feel bad about it. I am going to call all of you with pointless and annoying questions like, "Where do squirrels poop?" and "Who IS John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith (HEY! His name is my name TOO!)?" I do this only out of desperation, Please forgive me. :)

Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult

"Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones just makes me want to kiss somebody.

Last night my dream was insane. I was in an airplane. Then I was a talking dog hanging on to the wing of the airplane (while it was flying) trying to get inside. I somehow managed to smash a window and get to the other side of the plane where I managed to save a female dog (my bitch?) in the same prediciment.
Then I was again a person on the plane and I was smuggling a basketball. For some reason basketballs were illegal to take on planes. I wasn't the only one smuggling a basketball under his shirt, several others guys appeared to have abnormally round stomachs too. One guy had two. Then there was some commotion over all the dogs on the plane, cause they were peeing on the rug.

If you think you can interpet dreams, I'm not sure I even want to know what all that shit is supposed to mean.

Chaos, Panic, & Disorder... my work here is done.

I've begun to face the fact that, while I know many people (there are a million people in San Jose, but I'm alwaya bumping into people I know), and those people always seem happy to see me, I don't really have a single friend. This is entirely my fault because I'm so superficial with other people that I don't really bring anyone close. I guess I'm just afraid people will really get to know me. That's the problem, no one I know really knows me.
I've been feeling really shitty and lonely lately because of that. When things get bad for me I tend to just keep moving ahead, hoping that they'll get better. I'm not sure they will this time. I've just been looking for someone who will love me, but I think I'd settle for someone who could stand me and enjoyed my presence a little.
I'm sorry I don't let you get to know me. I'm sorry I drive people who want to be my friend away with my acidic comments. I'm sorry that I tend to crave your affection and attention so much I may appear a little desperate. I'm sorry I can't really say these things to you because I'm just plain afraid. I've always been afraid that no one would or could ever love me. I've been afraid that I wasn't good enough to be loved since I found out, at five, that my father didn't love me. I'm just sorry.