And You Thought You Were an Asshole

These are actual conversations I had with salepeople at Great Mall.

1. In Media Play
Salesgirl: "Did you find everything okay?"

Me: "No, it was hell. I've spent the last week searching your store for this. At night I slept under the dvd rack."

Salesgirl: (laughs) "Oh, I didn't see you when I came in this morning."

Me: "I was doing my best to hide, because I thought you might hurt me. You're scary."

Salesgirl: (luaghs)

2. Outside the mall
Some Dude: "Hi, would you like to find out how you can help save a starving child?"

Me: "No, I hate children. Let them die."

Some Dude: (Doesn't know what to say)

3. In mall commons
Salesdude: "Hey, would you like to see some of our new cell phones? We have a great new plan."

Me: "Hmmm. . . A cell phone would help me stay in contact with people, wouldn't it?

Saledude: "Of course."

Me: "I hate people, I do my best to avoid people at all costs, people are a pathetic virus on the Earth. Why would I want something that makes it easier for people I don't like to contact me?"

Salesdude: "Umm. . ."


After leaving the mall I pulled out my cell phone and told my Mommy how much ass I kick.

I hate Salespeople.

Dream

I had a wierd dream. I was in this big room filled with men and women. Everyone was trying to hook-up with someone. I kept getting shot down. Then I noticed that most of the guys were wearing these butt-ugly fluffy yellow jackets. I thought they were horrible, but everyone else seemed to think they were the shit. All of those guys had hooked up with someone. The butt-ugly jacketless guys (like me) were the only ones alone. More and more guys bought those jackets, and they'd hook-up with someone almost instantly. I thought about buying one of the jackets, but I thought "Fuck that, those fuckers are as ugly ass a shaven pig walking backwards." Somehow I knew that because I didn't get a jacket like all the other guys, I'd be the only one alone. I felt lonely and sad about that, but I just didn't want to be wearing something so ugly.


I guess this has to do with my fears that I'll continue to be alone unless I change some things about myself and try to fit in more. I don't want to change cuase I like myself, but I'm worried that may end up meaning that I'll be alone for a long time.
I hate it when people say "There's someone out there for you." How the fuck do you know that? You don't. There are plenty of people who die old and lonely, where was thier someone?

Quickie

I just got a Playstation 2 Slim on Friday. That sucker is tiny, my shoes are bigger than that thing. It's about the size of a book.
So yeah, I've been bugging out on video games all weekend. I dragged myself away from it just now in order to come to the library to update this and then go do some grocery shopping.

ummmm. . . that's it? . . . yup that's all I got to say. wow, that's fucking pathetic.

Whoa

Today blew goats sideways. It started out at work, I get in and there's all this white powder over the countertops. I work at a place that serves food and there's some strange powdery substance on the counters where food is prepared. I figure it's just flour and sniff it, but it smells funny. I then notice an invoice from our pest control company. It's roach poison. On the fucking countertops! So we had to clean up all that shit and wait for the boss to come in so he would know to bitch at them.
Then my the guy that does the receiving for the other building didn't come to work today (jury duty), so I had to work my ass off on the already busiest day of the week for me.
Then as I get out of work, exhausted from busting my ass, it starts raining.
Actually, the rain was kind of cool. It suited my mood. I just sat there, turned my face to the sky, and meditated for a bit. (Oooommmm)

Anyways, I have two new favorite words. Boink and Arrrr!
Arrr! is just cool. Just say Arrrr! Go on, say it. You feel better don't you? Told you.
The best hing is when you get two people together that know the word well. . .

Guy 1: Arrr!
Guy 2: ARRR!
Guy 1: ARRR!
Guy 2: ARRR!
Guy 1: ARRR!

It can go on for hours.
Go on, say it again. . . ARRR! Feel like a pirate, don't you?


Boink is just one of those words that can be used anytime. My favorite thing is wait till someone asks you an important question that you don't want to answer. Example:

Girl: Honey, do you love me?
Guy: (pokes girl in nose) Boink!

They just have no idea how to react.

Ooohh. . . I'm Special

Yup, everybody online loves me. Even you, who've never heard of me before randomly bumping into this blog, you love me too. I'm just that wonderful.

On a more normal note, I spent two hours steam cleaning my rug today. I rent a room in San Jose (rent is insane here, but my rent is cheap, I only had to give up a kidney and my first-born for the first month). It's a tiny little room, but I'm never home so I don't really care. I'm not what you would call neat or tidy, but I like things clean (translation: The dishes are washed, but they're lying on top of a phone book, on a chair in the middle of the room). So I had been dying to get the stains out of the floor that had been left by the past 3,000 occupant and/or pets of said occupants. Some of those stains simply will not die, but most of them are at least faded. The worst thing was looking at the water that had been sprayed into and sucked out of the floor. To think I've been walking barefoot (I love going barefoot, I'd walk everywhere shoeless if they would just carpet the sidewalk) on that shit gave me the shivers.

Ahh well, I've got to go think of a secret to tell someone. See ya'll.

P.S. I think it's kind of interesting that, according to my poll, so far most of you want to rape me. You perverts.

God Loves Me Most!

Okay, well I've been feeling cool. When things go well I get this feeling that whatever I need will come to me if I give it time. Like yesterday, I got home at 5:45 pm. I found my a check I'd been waiting on. It contained just enough money for me to pay my rent, reactivate my cell phone, and still have 15 bucks left over for food. Unfortunately, my bank isn't open on Saturday (yesterday was Friday) and my bank closes at 6:00 pm. I ran out the door at 5:49 pm, it's 15 blocks to my bank, but I managed to get there in time. They literally locked the door behind me. So I get my money order for the rent, 50 bucks for the phone bill, and 15 for food.
(Just so you now how bad food has been, I had in my fridge, 1 container of raisins, 1 mushroom, a few cloves of garlic, a tub of butter, and an empty ice tray. In my dry food cubby, I had a can of spaghetti sauce and 1 cup of rice. I had enough food for one or two horrible meals. So 15 bucks was beautiful.)
I walked to the store feeling like a superman for making it in time. I looked and the sky, told God "You kick ass, and you know why? Cause I kick so much ass!" I went to the grocery store looked for food I could stretch. Just sort of threw it in to the basket without bothering to figure out the total. I got to the register hoping I wouldn't have to put something back. The total was 15 bucks exactly. See, I kick ass. I don't even have to count, somehow I just know. (If I were a superhero I'd be "Knows the Total Cost of His Groceries Intuitively Man")

Anyway, this probably doesn't seem like much to be all happy about, it's just that if I just let thing happen, they just happen. Everything comes together in a way that fixes the problem. Like when, during my unemployment, I came up against a cost I hadn't planned for, was short on cash, and the was repaid some money I'd loaned I guy three years ago.

Crazy, shit.

To Qoute a Rich Monkey: "Bring it On!"

I'm starting to get e-mails from people who either like my blog or comments I've left on other blogs. It kicks ass. Now I just need to get some hate mail. The great thing about having someone's argument written out in front of you is that you can just sit there, examining it for hours, finding all the logical flaws, mistakes, misstatements, and other stupid shit you can find any time you look hard enough.

And if someone send you an arguement you can't argue against, you just don't tell anyone about it!!! That way you appear to be super intelligent even if you're just a normal guy. (I actually am super intelligent, I just don't want to make you feel insecure in the presence of the god-like intellect that is me *cues angelic choir*)

So if you hate me (though I'd be hard pressed to figure out why you would since I am practically perfect in every way [no I'm not Mary Poppins, why do you ask?]), dislike me, disagree with me, and/or feel like wasting a shitload of time since I don't really care and am not anyone important anyway, Bring it on, bitch!