Chaos, Panic, & Disorder... my work here is done.

I've begun to face the fact that, while I know many people (there are a million people in San Jose, but I'm alwaya bumping into people I know), and those people always seem happy to see me, I don't really have a single friend. This is entirely my fault because I'm so superficial with other people that I don't really bring anyone close. I guess I'm just afraid people will really get to know me. That's the problem, no one I know really knows me.
I've been feeling really shitty and lonely lately because of that. When things get bad for me I tend to just keep moving ahead, hoping that they'll get better. I'm not sure they will this time. I've just been looking for someone who will love me, but I think I'd settle for someone who could stand me and enjoyed my presence a little.
I'm sorry I don't let you get to know me. I'm sorry I drive people who want to be my friend away with my acidic comments. I'm sorry that I tend to crave your affection and attention so much I may appear a little desperate. I'm sorry I can't really say these things to you because I'm just plain afraid. I've always been afraid that no one would or could ever love me. I've been afraid that I wasn't good enough to be loved since I found out, at five, that my father didn't love me. I'm just sorry.