uggh

I just worry. I feel so, uggh. That's how I feel: uggh. I don't really know what to do anymore, what I should do, what I'm supposed to do.???? I want something that I'm just not sure how to get. My relationships with women have just never worked out. Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want out of a relationship; trust? comfort? support? lots of hot sex? I don't really know. I think it may be that I just want an end to the loneliness. I don't think anyone I know really knows just how desperately lonely I am. I'm always being sort of a show off and I'm always acting as if I have complete confidence in myself, but my hands are shaking right now, and I'm not sure why. There's so much in the air right now, maybe I'll get my job back, maybe I'll be able to pay my rent next month, maybe not. This wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to share it with, to talk to, but I've no one. And any time I tell someone about all this I tend to lose them. When I'm acting, people love me, when I'm me, I lose them. That's what hurts most of all, the thought that I may have to go through my life acting to keep people around. Otherwise, I may die lonely. That's a big fear for me. I've probaly lost people just by writing this. I feel I can't be honest, it's like I have to lie to survive. I hope you didn't read this.